Me

I have been silent for far too long. Somewhere along this journey, my voice has faded into an echo of what others thought of it. I have spent the last year searching for it. For that one thing that makes me stand out from the crowd. I have come up empty on many occasion. It was then that I realized, it was my voice.  It was so hard to find, as I did not recognize the sound. Cold and alone, it sat yearning to be full and vibrant again.  Step by step layers have been removed, only to reveal imperfections.  At first I saw this as a set back. I didn't want to find it again, only for it to be damaged.  To my surprise, it was the imperfections that gave it light.  With every crack and stain came a story.  Some of tragedy, loss and poor decision making.  Yet, in all of them stood triumph. The victory lies in the strength to rise again.  It is the courage to continue on a path. Whether it is smooth, or one of the most terrifying it's ever seen.  The wisdom to accept it, as it is, in all of it's glorious mess and use it.

Here We Go Again!

It is that time of year! Springtime! When trees and flowers blossom.  Birds sing beautiful songs, weather warms up, days become longer. We itch for the opportunity to spend more time outside!  Oh yeah, don't forget about the tornadoes!  Yes, I said it. Tor-nad-oes.  I hate Springtime in Oklahoma because of these things!

I woke up this morning, feeling pretty good.  Delicious coffee and an egg-white scramble with mushrooms & spinach.  Quiet time with my Lord and Savior. All is well!

Then we walked outside to go to the library. (Again, sounds fantastic.)  Immediately after pulling my car out of the shop (an okie's version of a garage), it fogged up and water was dripping down my windshield.  It was not raining! It is just a thick, soupy mess that makes perfect weather for those stinkin' tornadoes and severe weather.  I pulled the car back into the shop, and decided my time would be better spent checking on our battery supply, charging the lanterns, cell phones, DS games, gathering candles, lighters and important paperwork.  Now that the news channel considers us "ready" for a severe weather outbreak, we are battin' down the hatches and preparing for straight line winds, hail the size of baseballs, and those twisty things that tie my stomach in knots at the mere mention of a possible outbreak.

So, this is the Psalm I will be reciting all afternoon and evening:  

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God in whom I trust.

Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with His feathers, 

and under his wings you will find refuge;

His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

I will not fear the terror of night, 

nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side, 

ten thousand at your right hand, 

but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes 

and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling-

even the Lord, who is refuge-

then no harm will befall you, 

no disaster will come near your tent.

For He will command His angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands, 

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread upon the lion and cobra;

you will trample the great lion and serpent.

Because He loves me, says the Lord, 

I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble, 

I will deliver him and honor him

and show him my salvation.

Psalm 91

It is amazing how reading his promises and reminding ourselves of His power and love can calm even the most fearful of hearts.  To know with out a doubt that I am loved by Him, bought by Him, and redeemed by Him.  I am His, and He commands His angels to watch over and help me! Praise You Lord!

It's Not Up to Me

I woke up this morning feeling great.  The kids were still sleeping, hubby had left for work, coffee was hot and my Bible was full of promises and joy as I sat with my Lord.  Then I was asked to turn to the book of Nehemiah. All of a sudden my heart became heavy and my eyes felt the warmth of tears.
So much sadness has happened within our old church family.  A month ago friends of ours (they pastor a church now in Montana) lost their beautiful five year old daughter.  My heart cannot grasp the thought of the amount of pain and heartache they face each day.  They trust in God's promises, and know that life for their little girl is much better than any one day she experienced here on earth.  Yet hourly they must rely on God's strength and joy to get them through, as their lives on earth long for the day they will once again see their daughter.
Saturday night brought more tragedy to our church family back home.  A different pastor, his wife and three of their children are now with the Lord as well.  Their situation was different.  One not so gentle.
Pastor Griego was a great man. He always welcomed everyone with a sincere smile and a hug or handshake.  He always made the most uncomfortable feel welcomed.  He worked diligently in the jail system sharing God's love.  He has harvested many street soldiers that are now in God's Army.   One of  the men he shared with, is one of my friends.  He was in jail for murder and many other charges.  He had been in and out of the system since he was a teenager.  He was a gang member.  He was one of the many that society would rather not remember, or release.  But this Pastor took his time, and his Bible and remembered what that life was like for himself.  He knew others deserved a chance at salvation, brought by the one and only Jesus Christ. This waste of a kid who felt more at home in prison that out, was touched.  He gave his life to Christ and is now on fire for the Lord!  I cried the first time I saw my friend out of prison, and in our church! I couldn't believe it! God allowed us to watch him grow in Christ.  He changed and became an amazing man, husband and father who daily seeks the Lord.  My friend would not have stood a chance had this amazingly selfless man, Pastor Griego, didn't taken the time, opportunity or compassion for the inmates in our area.  He lived his life for God and boldly went where He led. I am sure that entering Heaven with his family, hand in hand was icing on the cake for him. Together they were in arms of the Lord.
I had to stop my bible study and pray.  My heart breaks for these families.  BUT GOD can take this and  make good come from it.  Many have come to the Lord because of the family's ability to carry on through God's strength.  Hearts have been touched and lives will be changed, because nothing is impossible for God.  Nothing is too big for Him.  He still sits on the throne, and "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure".

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary 

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint.

God reminded me that it is not up to me who is saved.  It is not who I think is worthy of salvation, for Jesus came to save the world. If it were up to anyone else, I myself would perish.
I am merely a vessel.  My life I have given to Christ.  As I walk through this world, I am to do God's work. I am to "put my life on the line and my faith in God" (Skip Heitzig).  I am to speak God's word boldly.

Just a Glimpse

Sometimes in life, we make really poor choices.  Often times, it starts with one little choice, that snowballs into ginormous mess of consequences.  Yes, I have made a few of those.  It left me feeling inadequate, and angry with God.  I didn't understand how He could allow me to go through those things, and even have to drag a child along through the process.
I have spent fourteen years, reliving, forgiving, and climbing over all of the guilt an shame of those choices. No, I am not completely finished with it. There is a lot more forgiving, and climbing over that needs to be done, but I am in a much better place now than I was then.
It wasn't until I received a phone call this morning, that gave me a glimpse as to why I was allowed to go through all of it.  The bible says that we suffer so we may in turn comfort others who suffer like us. We are to comfort them just as God comforts us.
I have no idea how or why God feels I am the one for the job.  I just know that without Him and His strength, I would never have been able to let go of the hurt, and move on to what the life He has restored me with.  I only pray that my friend will be able to do the same.  That God will continue to give me the right words, and her the strength to do what needs to do be done, no matter the outcome.
Being on this side, I know it is possible.  I know she is facing a giant, and has been made to feel so inadequate,  that the task at hand seems nearly impossible.
I pray for strength for her, and an abundance of grace and mercy so she may be able to move forward into the life He has for her.  Far away from the hell she has experienced the past few years.

Break Time

So today brought a curve ball.  My daughter called and I needed to pick her up from school.  She was sick.  A quick trip to the doctor confirmed it. Sinus infection.
I brought the kids home, got them settled and went to the store to get some stuff for dinner and to pick up her prescriptions.  I wasn't in the house a full fifteen minutes, when A was on his third or thirteenth question.  I looked at him, shoulders drooping, and asked him to please give me a minute.  "Let me finish what I am doing, and then I'm yours."  He simply smiled, looked up at me and rubbed my arm, "Mommy, it's ok.  Supermommy's can't be super all the time. They can take breaks!"  And off he ran.  I quickly caught him, thanked him for the reminder, and gave him a kiss.
I hung up my cape for the evening, and enjoyed a night of games and kids.

Clean Slate

Every new year, we are faced with decisions.  What resolutions are we going to make?  We get caught up in the excitement of getting to start over, and NOW is the time to do it.  Well, I don't know about you, but I have failed way more resolutions than I have succeeded.  I am not trying to tell you, forget about making resolutions, or anything like that. I am just simply stating what is true for me.
This year, I have put serious thought into whether or not to make any at all.  Well, God threw before me a wonderful scripture: Proverbs 29:18  "Where there is no vision, the people perish..."   EEEK!
So here is my one resolution for this new year: To finish what I start, and remember that my God gives me a clean slate every morning!
This seems simple, but for me, it's HUGE!  I have so many unfinished projects and goals, that it's no wonder I feel like I'm drowning half of the time!  I start a project or goal, and then life gets in the way and there is sits.  All of those unfinished projects take up space in whatever  hole they have been shoved into, and weigh down my house.  And me.
The beauty in this resolution, is that I know going into it, that I will not be able to accomplish this.  Not on my own.  Life will happen, God will have other plans for me at times, but His mercies are new EVERY MORNING!  It's ok.  He has filled me with the ability to dream and create.  He has also gifted me with my beautiful children and my hard working husband.  He has filled my cup to the brim, and understands that sometimes, I have to let go of certain things to catch the others.  It's ok.  With His help, I will finish more than I have ever attempted to!  This is the year to start!  Well, finish!

Memories in the Making

My parents came out for Christmas!  It was really nice getting to see them!  While I do love living in Oklahoma, and the wonderful friends/adopted family we have made, I miss my Mommy and Daddy.  I love that we were able to celebrate the birth of our Savior together again!  God even blessed us with a white Christmas!  If it wasn't for all the warm fuzzy feelings running through all of us, we just might have froze! 

No.  Seriously.  We ran into heating problems, and plumbing problems.  The heater didn't come on the first night, and when we got up enough courage to come out from under the covers, it was about 50˚ in this stinking house!  It was even colder in our bedroom, which is like a meat locker...on a good day.  Then the stupid bathtub sprung a leak and would not stop running.  (I might mention, that our shower was already giving problems, so we were being forced to use the bathtub in the other restroom.)  After spending money and gaining only frustration, a plumber was called out.  Sometimes the money is worth it! We now have both a working shower and bathtub.  The heater,  well, it is just ridiculously retarded. It works when forced.  Maybe I should give it some slack.  I have those days as well.  

All in all, we had a wonderful time, huddled by the fire, drinking hot buttered rum (with homemade buttered rum batter)!  It was fabulous!  Lots of memories made this year for sure!  

It definitely made us thankful that our wonderful Savior is preparing a place for us.  Oh, and there won't be any plumbing or heating issues either! 

John 14:2 - In my Father's house are many rooms...