Raw & Uncut

I couldn't figure out why it was such a chore to sit down and write anymore.  Words used to flow eagerly from my mind, like that of water in desperate search of a crack in a rock wall.  For the longest time, years actually, it "hurt" to try and write.  Everything seemed forced and unnatural.  Well.  It was.
Somewhere along this winding road of my life, I lost something.  My voice.  I wanted nothing more than to make others happy, and please them.  As often as a chameleon changes appearance, my voice would change pitch, or tone.  Even subject, depending on my company or surroundings.
I am not sure what happened, really.  I do not know exactly how I found my way back to my voice.  I am not even sure where I was when I found it. It was as if I could hear lyrics to an old song.  Distant and slightly difficult to make out the words.  Then the chorus crashed through the walls of my heart and the music was full blast! The bass rattled my insides and I erupted, spewing joy all around me!
Somehow, I thought I needed to be a certain way. I needed to be different than who I am. I looked to other women and thought, "if I could only..." so many times, I forgot what I COULD do. I overlooked all of the simple things that make up just how completely wonderful I am!
I allowed the enemy to fill my head and my heart with lies about insufficiency, past mistakes and envy.   I didn't understand why I felt so distant from God this year.  So far away and alone. I knew He was near. I knew He was holding me, I just couldn't feel anything.  He silenced me, and I sought Him.  In Him, I discovered me! He told me (through a study I'm doing), "You can't carry the weight of the past - that's what forgiveness is for.  You can't carry all the uncertainties of the future; you must focus on today."- James McDonald.
All along, I was enough! All of my quirks, my failures and my successes, are enough for Him!  I cannot begin to tell you how thankful and how amazing it is to know that I am so incredibly important to God! That He would take me, with all of my past failures, present half-butted attempts and future flops, He gave me Jesus.  Jesus carried my guilt, my shame, my insufficiency and clothes me in righteousness! He gives me hope, grace and mercy!! I am important, and sufficient in my weaknesses for Him!  No one and nothing else matters! I don't have to try to please anyone.  Just do my best with what He gives me and leave it up to Him! Praise God, it is not a bi-lateral covenant! Thank you, Lord that you knew me well enough, long before I came to be, that I would not be able to uphold such an agreement! Words cannot express my gratitude, that you uphold it for me
So, no more trying to sound like others, or do things like other people.  I am chosen, set apart for His purposes.  Not my own.
From now on, this is what you get! Me! Raw and uncut!