Ugliness

A dear friend of mine asked me to read a paper she wrote for admissions to graduate school. Upon reading it, I had an epiphany. You see, she is a social worker (and I would imagine a wonderful one at that). I too, wanted to be a social worker. We both have the urge to save people, or the want to help them see their potential. So, what does this have to do with my epiphany you ask?
I have known my husband since middle school. We were friends and nothing more until we finally got together and then later married. People have asked, "why him" or "what do you see in him". I saw his potential. He has potential to be the most loving and wonderful husband and father, he just doesn't see it. He had a rough childhood, and no, that is no excuse for him, but it is a lot easier to believe the bad over the good. Everyone he knows (his family anyway) has done nothing but shoot him down and cause him harm. I truly believe until we got together, he only had a very small handful of "cheerleaders" on his side. Since we've been together, my family has been added and he now has a few handfuls. The problem? Somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing his potential. I gave up on him. He, in turn, has reverted to what he knows. Pain. Anger. Defeat. What does that say about me? Nothing good, I fear. I know it is not my responsibility or fault that he acts the way he does. I get that. But am I helping him the way a believing wife should be? No. I am now cheering on the other side of the field. Against my husband. Talk about conviction of the heart!
What makes me think that my standards are better than God's? As His spouse, I have failed miserably. Often times on a daily basis. I am not submissive. I do not always obey. I find myself dipping my big toe (and yes, sometimes my entire leg) into the infested pools of this world. I cause God pain. Just as Anthony causes me pain.
Deuteronomy 6:5 -7 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."
I know my husband is not my child, but he is a child of the Lord. He has also fallen from the Lord. I should be steering him back to a path of righteousness, not pushing him further down the path of destruction and despair.
Deuteronomy 10:12 states, "And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul,"
I have not served Him with all my heart and all my soul. I have served Him in other ways. Situations that are more comfortable, or that I think would be worthwhile. Where it matters the most, my marriage and my family, I have failed. Horribly. Fortunately, His mercies begin new each morning! My slate is once again, wiped clean. I do not deserve a million chances, but my God gives them to me. He continues to love me, despite all of my ugliness. I have to learn from God and rely on His strength to help me love my husband. Despite all of his ugliness.
So, thank you Miss. A. for reminding me to look at the potential. And if necessary, hold the mirror up long enough for the other person to see it too!